It's decided it's my verdict

So it's decided

I am cutting you out of my life..

Out of this heart...

Talking  back my love...

The affection and my pampering..

You are not the one...

You don't understand me...

You have broke , yes broke all of your promises...

You have revenge me ...

You have done all which I don't like...

So it's decided...

It's final...

It's my verdict .

To let you go ...

To say you good bye ...

You are not that one...

You are not the one i loved...

You are not the one i trusted...

You have made me cry again and again ...

So it's decided..

I am closing the doors of my heart..

I am shutting down all its windows...

This will kill me i know ...

It will finish me i admit my dear....

Its like killing myself i realise...

But I have to do it...

I know i can't escape this pain ...

I will pray for my death ...

Or for a new spirit to relive my life ....

I will pray to forget you forever..

I will tell my heart that it was a dream..

That you were alone , you are alone and may be.. May be you will be alone forever and ever...

So it's decided..

It's final...

It's my verdict...

To cut you out of my life..

My memories, my heart, my soul and love ...

I say good bye... 

Just good bye...

Never come to me again...

I am no more ...

I am not alive to love you again...

Just let me go..

Forget me..

So it's decided...

It's decided ....

I can't share

I can't share you….

Take my life…

My beauty…

My happiness…

My Peace….

My Intelligence…

My grace….

My world…

Give me pain…

Give me cries…

Give me loneliness…

Give me hell…

Kill me with hunger and cold…

Punish me and burn me in to ashes…

but don't give your attention to any other….

I can't share you…

I can't share your fragrance…

I can't share your glance…

I can't share your attention…

You are funny but I can't share your jokes…

I don't like your name called by them….

I want to hide you from the world…

and just keep you to myself…

and if you are shared…

I will go away…

in the skies…

some far off place…

beyond the univserse..

for you, to never find me again…

I can't share …

You are mine...

Last priority

I know who I am...

I know where I stand ..

I am the "last priority"...

The last in their to-do list..

They can meet me or not..

They can talk to me or not...

It's not important..

It's not essential...

I am meant to be met...

When all chores are done...

When the party is over...

When facebooking comes to an

End..

When they are fade up of reading...

And roaming...

Here comes the turn of a" last priority"...

I am the "last priority"

My turn comes 

When they are tired...

I am talked to, just seen And then thrown away... 

I know my place...

I know my worth...

I am none other then the "last priority"

I mean nothing nor my say...

I am useless and a dump...

Non negotiable thing...

A statue with a soul inside..

I am the last priority...

Their life will go on without me...

They just remember me

When they are bored...

When nothing's left to entertain them...

Here i come..

"The last priority "

"The last priority" ...

"I am Sahar" - The call from her grave

Hello All!

I am Sahar…

The one you heard of, in the newspaper

three, two

Oh I forget

2 weeks ago..

So fool of me..

There is no calendar in the grave…

So meet me…

I am Sahar…

The 6 year old girl…

abducted, molested, tortured and killed…

thrown in the garbage…

I am Sahar…

Mommy's little princess…

Daddy's favourite…

My home was small…

yet cozy…

It had a garden…

and a rose plant too…

I loved roses…

They smell pretty good…

On Eid day I got dressed in my light blue outfit..

Mommy brought me Mehndi and bangles too…

She put the mehndi on my hands…

Putting all the bangles one by one…

loving and hugging me…

saying that I look so beautiful…

On Eid day,

Dad asked me to pose in front of my favourite rose plant…

He snapped my photo…

He don't know how to capture photo…

You know why?

because he clicked the shot and i dint say cheese

and looking at my lil bro…

I never knew that photo will go viral on net…

after my death..

I am Sahar…

the same you stand for….

one day I was playing outside…

They came…

The cruel strangers…

They put their hands on my mouth

to keep me silent..

I shouted…

I resisted …

calling for my mom…

I yelled for help..

I shouted for my father…

They took me away...

It was cold there…

My knees were hurt…

My small tender hands were frozen…

pushing them away but they were powerful...

Their grip was so tight…

hurting me and I was unable to move…

No one was listening to me in this big world…

I was thrown in front of wild beasts..

They were not human…

They slit my throat

and tears flew from my eyes…

I couldn't see anything….

Everything went pitch dark…

When I woke up I was in a garbage tub…

my tears..

The blood from my throat were dried up…

My injured knees and slaughtered neck were not hurting…

I was light yet frightened…

Looking my way to home…

when they found me…

It was police and my parents…

a crowd wanting to know what happened?

They were all saying" She is dead."

Were they talking about me?

No I am not dead…

They have found me and now I will go to mommy…

I will eat the delicious food she cooked..

and will sleep in her lap..

I will complain to my dad what they have done to me?

I am not dead..

But they are right..

They just buried me ...

six feet below the ground..

I can hear my parent's crying…

I can sense my brother's loneliness…

Yes, I am sahar…

The one lying in the cold graveyard..

in the chilling weather…

all alone…

seen her Eid Photo in the newspaper…

It was a good photo…

I am asking the question" What was my crime?"

I am finding myself ignorant of my sins…

I am Sahar..

Get me Justice…

Answer my question…

I am sahar…

Believing that I am dead now…

Sahar and her favourite Rose plant.

The dead flower of Love

Feeling Nothing…

Nothing at all…

I am blank and so broken…

holding the pieces of my heart…

I wonder what will I do with them?

I feel suffocated…

A story…

Thousands of words…

those emotions and 

all my resentments are untold…

My heart filled with love 

is now occupied…

occupied with pain and fear…

I know fear and love 

can't live together…

There was a flower in my heart…

The beautiful flower of love…

It blossomed day by day…

Its fragrance was enchanting…

I saw that flower drying up..

I saw the fading of its colours…

I saw it dying bit by bit

and day by day...

and one day it dried forever…

A pain resides deep in to my soul…

Mourning the death of the flower of Love...

I can feel nothing now..

the heart is beating 

but its lifeless for sure…

I am smiling for the world…

but deep inside..

my heart, my soul and my existence

are dissolved in silence…

They are mummified…

They are feeling nothing…

The constant pain resides forever…

in each breath…each heart beat…

Trapped

It seems like 

I am trapped…

among four walls…

among people who don't understand me…

I feel like alien…

Alien with strange thoughts

and I feel very suffocated..

I feel my heart clinched…

I remember the old days…

when I was free…

surrounded by friends and loved ones….

the days were joyful…

the nights were peaceful…

being loved and cherished….

I was happy…

Now I am injured…

like a injured bird…

very thirsty and hungry…

A bird trying to fly..

but  can't …

Her wings are broken

and her urge is cut down….

I see all the roads block…

no where to go…

no one to meet…

empty rooms and buildings….

The leaves are blowing with wind…

they are dry and below my feet….

asking for death…

I see some people…

they are deaf and blind towards me…

I can speak to them…

but they are not hearing me….

my heart bleeds and its dying…

I am all alone in this big world…

no way to escape…

no place to hide…

I am bird trapped in a cage….

seeing strangers…

Trapped away I am….

Missing my Nest…

Don't know where it is….

Don't know where it is…

Like they have never knew me

I am scared...

I want to scream 

but can't…

I want to cry but can't….

I want to go away but can't …

My heart is grasped …

it feels like its held in jar..

the air tight one …

I am cornered…

my hair locks are waving in the air…

They ask me " Are they free to wave?"

"Are they free to meet the air?"..

I look at them having no answer…

my existence is caught in a well..

I am horrified…

My heart is beating

but not living….

I feel lost and scattered…

broken away in pieces…

I forgot to smile…

My lips are ignorant to them now…

I can feel my breath..

they come to me in intervals…

There is a heavy thing on my chest..

I can't lift it anymore…

When I pass among graves…

I am attracted to them…

I praise the peace the dead have…

how peaceful they are Saima!

They have no heart to break…

They have nothing to expect…

lets die…

I am scared…

Lets die..

I am done…

Lets die…

Let them miss us

who took us for granted..

I am trying and trying

to hide …

my smiles becomes transparent 

they can't hide me anymore…

I am sacred…

They will see and then throw me away…

like they have never knew me…

like they have never knew me...

Love is a drug...

Love is a drug..

indeed a dangerous one with no cure…

Love is addictive ..

It flows in your blood…

every breath scented with its fragrance…

Love is sacrifice…

Love is toxic…

Love gives life 

and snatches it too..

Love is non curable…

Love is addiction…

It makes you so desperate…

wanting to see the sight of your beloved..

to hear their voice, to see them smile and 

Talk..

again and again and thousand times…

Love brings those tears in your eyes..

when they take his name…

Love makes you keen and curious 

to know him more and more…

about their days and nights...

Love makes you tender…

It swallows the pride and the ego..

and you loss for them..

to make them happy and content…

Love gives strength but its a weakness too…

This Love lives in my heart….

deep and so deep inside..

fasten to strings of my existence….

I bear, I crawl, I sleep, I cry, I miss

I laugh and I love..

I LOVE HIM and forever...

To make you Happy...

To Make you Happy I Talk..
But if it makes you unhappy…
I won't talk..
I will seal my lips and keep silence…
If my silence can make you happy..
I can remain silent forever…
Your happiness is all I want…
even if its on the cost of my voice…

I can't pretend !!!

When I look at the world I see lots of people who have two faces. They hate but they show that they love. They are haters in the cloths of lovers. Disguise at its best. They show their face which is acceptable to the world. That type of people are very desperate to fit in to this world who won't ask your name if you don't have a cent in your pockets. The world is cruel and full of colours. Colors of violence and love in between, the angels and evils living all together. Fortunately their is no mark of what people's thinking and their hearts on thier foreheads else the two faced people would be killed long ago.

I am amazed and so astonished that how can a person hide his feeling and pretend to be something that he is not?. Don't he feel suffocated? Don't he feel buried under the burden of fake off feelings? 

Off course they are under burden. They are over loaded with people's expectations and desires, likes and dislikes. 

To show the world how you feel really requires courage. They may call you blunt, rigid, uncivilised and undiplomatic, a social nerd but at the end of the day when you sleep you will feel happy of expressing yourself. 

I believe crying for real is much better from fake laughter. In the same way honest hatred is far better then pretended love. 

I love to follow my heart. I cry and cry deeper when I need to cleanse myself. I laugh and laugh when I want to celebrate the blessings I am granted. I always try to show what I feel? 

When I say " I love you" it surely means that I said with every ounce of courage I had and with all my heart. When I say " I like you" it definitely means I do like you with all my soul and sights. 

When I am distant, when you don't hear me it probably means that I had left you or may be you had left me earlier. I dint pretend… I dint Pretend...

Loneliness Forever

I am talking to myself…

I am talking to the self 

where no body likes me…'

no body loves me…

I am left alone like a stand alone tree 

on a barren island…

I loved people…

I liked them but what happened to them…

I feel at mercy of them…

I feel like a dislikable  person….

I I served them and helped them..

not to like me but not to at least hate me…

but they hate me like a hate able creature…

they pushed me into the state where

i no longer love to laugh or talk…

I feel isolated and disowned…

I feel alone and very alone….

whom can i talk to?

whom can i rely on?

i feel cold and abandon…

stuck and worried…

suffocated and alone..

very alone...

Dam: The Picnic Spot for Hazaras ONLY

Today I visited Dam with my in laws. Dam is a water reservoir build by Pak Army in cantt area Quetta. It is not a park or amusement place "officially" but the Hazara people made it one. Due to continuous deadly attacks on hazaras they left going to famous picnic spots in Baluchistan. In good times in Quetta city Hazaras used to go to Hannah lake and village. They used to visit ziarat and Bolan picnic spots. These places had guest houses where big families used to reside for few days. These were the golden days for Hazara people. We were children when I experienced those peaceful days as a "fearless" and secure Hazara. I remember the apple orchards of Hannah Udak, the stone paved ways of mountainous area, the flowing streams of clear water, the deep and cool shades of huge trees and the visitors from all over the Pakistan. I remember the Hannah lake. It's wideness and secret tales of death always frightened me. The mystery about this lake had attracted many. I can still recall that lake side cafe where our whole family enjoyed the evening tea. We cousins were naughty and teasing each other. The traces of those golden days of fearlessness are so hard to remove from my mind. 

Today we celebrated 13 badar. It's sort of event when people of Hazara nation cook some good food and take it out to eat. It's sort of picnic event, an official one. My family cooked "Bolani". It's a traditional hazaragi sandwich made with flour dose and spinach.

The weather was clear today and when we arrived at dam we saw huge number of people there. They were happy, they were having their meals. The children were playing badminton, Cricket and riding bicycles. That was the same nation which was seated in cold January with dead bodies of their loved ones. The same children who took the portraits of their dead family members. 

I was tired, tied in to worldly affairs and almost disconnected from my inner world and myself. I saw the people and focused on my thoughts then I realised that I belong to that generation who is witnessing the change in history and behaviour of my people. 

I was admitting and admiring that we as a nation is still alive and united. We are still willing to smile and live. We are restricted to specific area in this big province of Baluchistan but we are hopeful that a day will come when Hazaras will be able to visit the apple orchards of Hannah Village once again, to meet the villagers and to explore the mysteries of Hannah lake and cool ziarat insha Allah. 

The Fear of Losing You

I am scared ...

I am really scared of losing you...

I am not insecure 

Nor ugly...

I am just worried...

My heart is occupied with love 

But lots of fear too...

My heart is dearer to me...

But I gave it to you...

I am afraid if its broken...

I am frightened if its thrown away...

I can love 

But can I trust ??

I can trust you 

But not the world....

Will they snatch you from me?

Will they make me alone ?

Will they take my life ?

I am afraid I can't live with out you...

I am scared of losing you ...

I am not crazy but crazy about you ...

I am really scared of losing you ....

Transformations and Preserving the "YOU"

When I see my life I see a lot of transformations. Actually its full of transformations. Today when I look back I see different versions of me. Me an occasional writer, Me as performer, Me as a team leader, Me as a follower, Me as a facilitator, Me as a well groomed daughter, Me as a focused learning house wife, Me as a helper, a motivator, a non stop speaker having a deadly silence. Me as a lover dedicating all my hours to love my soul mate. If I am asked what's the most amazing job in this world? I shall answer its discovering yourself. A single human being, every human being is a universe in itself. If you have enough time you can discover yourself. You can listen to your heart. Analyse your instincts, likes, dislikes, your true self, your disappointments, your pleasures, the pain and the courage which comes from within you. 

When I see at myself, some times I doubt there lives someone else too in me. I fight with her. Often we agree and mostly we differ. It a kind of battle, like a battle of what the world wants? and what I want?. The " I want" me is very cruel. She knows no boundaries, only the goal to achieve, her pleasures, her desires, her arrogance, her will. The " world one" me is very kind. She compromises. She sacrifices. She is submissive. She wants to please everyone except herself. The fight continues. It also happened that they both became friends and thought in a same way. It also happened that I had a tough time in realising that a transformation is must,to go on. This world urges ones to change. 

Some transformations come naturally and some of them are asked for. We change and change and change till our last breath.

I often question myself, Am I the same girl who was born crying? an infant? I question myself Am I the same girl? the school star? I google myself and ask Am I the same girl the disciplined prefect of a college? I search myself for the answer that Am I the same girl who was leading a team? 

Am I the same girl before I met the love of my life? 

Often I get the answers. Random Yes and No's but the ultimate answer is NO because you can't be the same for all your life. This world changes you, its people changes you. Many incidents and experiences changes you. We transform, all of us transforms.  Like after I got married I met a complete different "me". This version of me is more responsible, flexible, reliable and understanding.
So the question is What we should we do to preserve ourselves, the real ourselves beside changes? I think that we should adapt to changes of time since they are unavoidable but in the meanwhile one should stick to his identity and core values. I should never forget who was I? I should never forget the real "me"? The one who constantly raise his opinion whenever we are changing. Some scholar said that the constant thing in this world is "change" itself. So you can preserve the real" You" by adapting to good changes like leaving the bad habits and adapting the success leading ones. Where you go and what ever has been done to you, it should not effect ones natural thinking. The best example of worst change is when a man is killed by cops mistakenly and the murdered man's son becomes a goon to revenge the death of his father. Here a tragic event turned an innocent boy in to a criminal.
To preserve the real "you", change positively but the changes should not snatch away the innocence once you had as a child. I often say never let the child inside you die. He is your charm. I still like getting wet in the August rain. What would you like to do as an innocent child?
I have seen people who have changed a lot in the name of adapting to the worldly needs. They have changed that now they can't be recognised. I don't know why ? but I feel pity for them. I see them as travellers who have lost the traces of their destination and they dress like any convoy who passes beside them.

 I wish none of us could loss our "real" selves. I wish none of us loss our innocence, our naughtiness, our self talk, our voice, our memories.

I wish we can transform for better and even best life.

What transformed in you? Do you remember all your transformations? Do you remember the "real" you? 

Your Way, My Way !

I Love You with all my heart 

I put all my romance in to you…

I am restless as in hell with out you…

My nights and days passing thinking of you…

I never loved anyone equal to you…

you are perfect to me 

and I am to you….

I let ya know about my feelings…

I text ya …

I mail ya…

Thinking it will keep us close..

tied to each other even if you are far away…

I know its irritating for you…

You are busy and so

focused…

thinking to build our lives wonderful 

and comfortable…

I am thankful for this…

Its your way to love..

My way of love is what i Said…

They are different….

I am trying to change…

The way I love you…

I don't know it will change or not?.

I will give at last give you what you want…

Thats understanding your way of love…

Our way of love...