Like they have never knew me

I am scared...

I want to scream 

but can't…

I want to cry but can't….

I want to go away but can't …

My heart is grasped …

it feels like its held in jar..

the air tight one …

I am cornered…

my hair locks are waving in the air…

They ask me " Are they free to wave?"

"Are they free to meet the air?"..

I look at them having no answer…

my existence is caught in a well..

I am horrified…

My heart is beating

but not living….

I feel lost and scattered…

broken away in pieces…

I forgot to smile…

My lips are ignorant to them now…

I can feel my breath..

they come to me in intervals…

There is a heavy thing on my chest..

I can't lift it anymore…

When I pass among graves…

I am attracted to them…

I praise the peace the dead have…

how peaceful they are Saima!

They have no heart to break…

They have nothing to expect…

lets die…

I am scared…

Lets die..

I am done…

Lets die…

Let them miss us

who took us for granted..

I am trying and trying

to hide …

my smiles becomes transparent 

they can't hide me anymore…

I am sacred…

They will see and then throw me away…

like they have never knew me…

like they have never knew me...

Love is a drug...

Love is a drug..

indeed a dangerous one with no cure…

Love is addictive ..

It flows in your blood…

every breath scented with its fragrance…

Love is sacrifice…

Love is toxic…

Love gives life 

and snatches it too..

Love is non curable…

Love is addiction…

It makes you so desperate…

wanting to see the sight of your beloved..

to hear their voice, to see them smile and 

Talk..

again and again and thousand times…

Love brings those tears in your eyes..

when they take his name…

Love makes you keen and curious 

to know him more and more…

about their days and nights...

Love makes you tender…

It swallows the pride and the ego..

and you loss for them..

to make them happy and content…

Love gives strength but its a weakness too…

This Love lives in my heart….

deep and so deep inside..

fasten to strings of my existence….

I bear, I crawl, I sleep, I cry, I miss

I laugh and I love..

I LOVE HIM and forever...

To make you Happy...

To Make you Happy I Talk..
But if it makes you unhappy…
I won't talk..
I will seal my lips and keep silence…
If my silence can make you happy..
I can remain silent forever…
Your happiness is all I want…
even if its on the cost of my voice…

I can't pretend !!!

When I look at the world I see lots of people who have two faces. They hate but they show that they love. They are haters in the cloths of lovers. Disguise at its best. They show their face which is acceptable to the world. That type of people are very desperate to fit in to this world who won't ask your name if you don't have a cent in your pockets. The world is cruel and full of colours. Colors of violence and love in between, the angels and evils living all together. Fortunately their is no mark of what people's thinking and their hearts on thier foreheads else the two faced people would be killed long ago.

I am amazed and so astonished that how can a person hide his feeling and pretend to be something that he is not?. Don't he feel suffocated? Don't he feel buried under the burden of fake off feelings? 

Off course they are under burden. They are over loaded with people's expectations and desires, likes and dislikes. 

To show the world how you feel really requires courage. They may call you blunt, rigid, uncivilised and undiplomatic, a social nerd but at the end of the day when you sleep you will feel happy of expressing yourself. 

I believe crying for real is much better from fake laughter. In the same way honest hatred is far better then pretended love. 

I love to follow my heart. I cry and cry deeper when I need to cleanse myself. I laugh and laugh when I want to celebrate the blessings I am granted. I always try to show what I feel? 

When I say " I love you" it surely means that I said with every ounce of courage I had and with all my heart. When I say " I like you" it definitely means I do like you with all my soul and sights. 

When I am distant, when you don't hear me it probably means that I had left you or may be you had left me earlier. I dint pretend… I dint Pretend...

Loneliness Forever

I am talking to myself…

I am talking to the self 

where no body likes me…'

no body loves me…

I am left alone like a stand alone tree 

on a barren island…

I loved people…

I liked them but what happened to them…

I feel at mercy of them…

I feel like a dislikable  person….

I I served them and helped them..

not to like me but not to at least hate me…

but they hate me like a hate able creature…

they pushed me into the state where

i no longer love to laugh or talk…

I feel isolated and disowned…

I feel alone and very alone….

whom can i talk to?

whom can i rely on?

i feel cold and abandon…

stuck and worried…

suffocated and alone..

very alone...

Dam: The Picnic Spot for Hazaras ONLY

Today I visited Dam with my in laws. Dam is a water reservoir build by Pak Army in cantt area Quetta. It is not a park or amusement place "officially" but the Hazara people made it one. Due to continuous deadly attacks on hazaras they left going to famous picnic spots in Baluchistan. In good times in Quetta city Hazaras used to go to Hannah lake and village. They used to visit ziarat and Bolan picnic spots. These places had guest houses where big families used to reside for few days. These were the golden days for Hazara people. We were children when I experienced those peaceful days as a "fearless" and secure Hazara. I remember the apple orchards of Hannah Udak, the stone paved ways of mountainous area, the flowing streams of clear water, the deep and cool shades of huge trees and the visitors from all over the Pakistan. I remember the Hannah lake. It's wideness and secret tales of death always frightened me. The mystery about this lake had attracted many. I can still recall that lake side cafe where our whole family enjoyed the evening tea. We cousins were naughty and teasing each other. The traces of those golden days of fearlessness are so hard to remove from my mind. 

Today we celebrated 13 badar. It's sort of event when people of Hazara nation cook some good food and take it out to eat. It's sort of picnic event, an official one. My family cooked "Bolani". It's a traditional hazaragi sandwich made with flour dose and spinach.

The weather was clear today and when we arrived at dam we saw huge number of people there. They were happy, they were having their meals. The children were playing badminton, Cricket and riding bicycles. That was the same nation which was seated in cold January with dead bodies of their loved ones. The same children who took the portraits of their dead family members. 

I was tired, tied in to worldly affairs and almost disconnected from my inner world and myself. I saw the people and focused on my thoughts then I realised that I belong to that generation who is witnessing the change in history and behaviour of my people. 

I was admitting and admiring that we as a nation is still alive and united. We are still willing to smile and live. We are restricted to specific area in this big province of Baluchistan but we are hopeful that a day will come when Hazaras will be able to visit the apple orchards of Hannah Village once again, to meet the villagers and to explore the mysteries of Hannah lake and cool ziarat insha Allah. 

The Fear of Losing You

I am scared ...

I am really scared of losing you...

I am not insecure 

Nor ugly...

I am just worried...

My heart is occupied with love 

But lots of fear too...

My heart is dearer to me...

But I gave it to you...

I am afraid if its broken...

I am frightened if its thrown away...

I can love 

But can I trust ??

I can trust you 

But not the world....

Will they snatch you from me?

Will they make me alone ?

Will they take my life ?

I am afraid I can't live with out you...

I am scared of losing you ...

I am not crazy but crazy about you ...

I am really scared of losing you ....